WHEN I SPEAK to myself in my mind, a little red firefly is listening. I refer to her as the observer self. The only way to describe her presence is like what you experience when you close your eyes on a sunny day; her hues and glow strike me like a blinding bitch slap. She’s tiny, of course, as all fireflies are. But recklessly powerful despite her size.

I can only ever see her when I close my eyes and concentrate hard, like when I am meditating or falling asleep and I find my inner world tumulting towards the frantic and dizzying dreams of my mindscape. The clarity with which I can see her is also directly proportionate to my concentration so naturally, I do not see her as often as I would like. Still, I’d like to think that she is the master of my inner world. Scratch that. Master sounds too dominating. 

How shall I put this? She represents all that I am, but I don’t mean to restrict this representation to my physical vessel or my mind but rather the totality of who I am. Perhaps a sliver of my higher self would be a more befitting way to describe this unlikely creature. The greater my attentiveness, the brighter her glow - until all I can see is a blaring and raging image of crimson. Whenever a thought enters my mind, this little observer simply exists and watches intently. Come rain or shine, love or violence, her undulating presence remains and the cadence of her light has become a comforting factor for the turmoil that surges within.
 

My earliest encounter with this uncanny entity seems to have been an instance of cosmic intervention. Kismet, if you may. I became aware of her presence through a recurring dream I had as a child. Now that I think of it, it may have been her way of communicating with me. But she never said anything. Only bobbed gently in the air. I remember being in a liminal astral plane, laden with endless trees and a narrow road leading nowhere. I walked down the path for what seemed like a long while, confused about where I was headed before I finally reached a lake with still water. With no sign of life anywhere except in the crystal blue water itself, I heard a faint voice calling my name. 

When I called back, I received no response. The next thing I knew, I was staring into my reflection in the lake. Its water was still like the moon hanging in a vacuum of space. My reflection, however, was not. The contours of my face were changing like flashing lights in a tunnel - as if I was witnessing a barrage of emotions passing through an endless void of existence. When I looked up, everything remained as it was. It was all rather two-dimensional as if someone had placed scattered trees in a movie scene to make it seem realistic. All I could hear was a constant ringing in my ear that got louder with each frame of the dream. 

Petrified, I looked into the stillness of the water again and a tiny firefly appeared from the center of my forehead. At first, it seemed like a laser pointed at my head but when it began to strut about, I opened the palms of my hands to encompass her in my warmth. But it was her that was embracing me. No words were spoken. All I saw was red. 

The dreams eventually stopped but every time I see her in my mind’s eye, it feels like a gentle reminder of the world within. I’m not quite sure if these words could ever do justice to her presence, they all seem so feeble in comparison. What I can say, however, is that I do not conflate her spirit with that of a higher calling or some obscure hidden meaning but rather as an apt likeness of dasein. To exist is to be aware, to be present, to be alive. 

Perhaps it would be easier to describe her impact through the most profound lessons I have obtained from the quiet yet deafening presence of this firefly. Remember, to accept these truths, all you need to do is feel the energy flowing within you as you fall asleep and drift elsewhere. 

 

• The self is indestructible; through life and death, through dreams and reality, through time and space. While all else dances to the humdrum of nonsense, existence remains still. 

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• The purpose of holding a thought or an emotion is acceptance. No more, no less.

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• All of us are possibilities of a universal existence. One and the same.

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• Connection with the breath of life is a connection to all else.  

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• Appearances are easy if you only want to look good. 

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    I will leave you with this now. 

The little red firefly is calling my name once again. 

This time, her presence is my answer.